I have entered a whole new life. An occupation of sorts....a clique, a sorority, a dimension of unknown! The whole Mommyhood thing is still a work in progress. I still have moments at night when Keaton cries and I roll over and think in my head....jeez, whose baby is that? Shhh. Oh wait, that's my baby and he isn't going to be silenced unless I do something. It's still unfamiliar at times. Still overwhelming occasionally. Still a work in progress.
What I have found in talking to other mommy friends is that its kinda taboo to vocalize any weakness. That this should be viewed as a walk in the park to outsiders. I mean, we are women, we were made to be moms right? So this should all be a breeze, RIGHT?!?! well, I'm strong enough to admit it ain't easy. Far from it. We have mini humans to rear and we are accountable for their outcome. That's a pressure I have never felt before in my life. I have no one else to blame if my child turns out a demon, or if his first word is fuck, or if he thinks its hilarious to fart in public. Me! It's only my burden. Shit.
Anyway, I just never knew how this process was going to change me. I knew the minute it happened though. Keaton was whipped up on my chest on 7:36pm on February 29th...he crapped all over me and started screaming. I just stared at him in disbelief. Kinda the same way I do everyday when he pees on me or does something outlandish. My random leap year baby. Keaton likes to hoot when he's excited...not hiccup, not laugh, not grunt....its a hoot. Just like an owl. Our baby is very special. Those hoots never get old, and I know he will out grow those hoots soon, so I cherish them immensely.
Anyway, there he is....pooping all over the place and screaming. My life was changed forever. This was my new life, my new identity. I am now officially a mother. It would not be ling before I had to exert my new role. My identity and possessiveness for my mini human came quickly. The next day, a big burly nurse attempted to inform me that Keaton would not be discharged due to have jaundice. I could leave but my baby could not? Something snapped internally at the thought of being removed from my mini humans presence. I asked big burly nurse to step outside the hospital room to speak about the issue. Minus the details, we were discharged together that evening. Big burly understood that mama bear wasn't having it.
Days are rough sometimes, and I know this is all a work in progress. I just have to slow down sometimes and just enjoy the hoots. I know one day those hoots are going to be replaced with vocabulary, and I'm just not ready for that stage yet!
What I have found in talking to other mommy friends is that its kinda taboo to vocalize any weakness. That this should be viewed as a walk in the park to outsiders. I mean, we are women, we were made to be moms right? So this should all be a breeze, RIGHT?!?! well, I'm strong enough to admit it ain't easy. Far from it. We have mini humans to rear and we are accountable for their outcome. That's a pressure I have never felt before in my life. I have no one else to blame if my child turns out a demon, or if his first word is fuck, or if he thinks its hilarious to fart in public. Me! It's only my burden. Shit.
Anyway, I just never knew how this process was going to change me. I knew the minute it happened though. Keaton was whipped up on my chest on 7:36pm on February 29th...he crapped all over me and started screaming. I just stared at him in disbelief. Kinda the same way I do everyday when he pees on me or does something outlandish. My random leap year baby. Keaton likes to hoot when he's excited...not hiccup, not laugh, not grunt....its a hoot. Just like an owl. Our baby is very special. Those hoots never get old, and I know he will out grow those hoots soon, so I cherish them immensely.
Anyway, there he is....pooping all over the place and screaming. My life was changed forever. This was my new life, my new identity. I am now officially a mother. It would not be ling before I had to exert my new role. My identity and possessiveness for my mini human came quickly. The next day, a big burly nurse attempted to inform me that Keaton would not be discharged due to have jaundice. I could leave but my baby could not? Something snapped internally at the thought of being removed from my mini humans presence. I asked big burly nurse to step outside the hospital room to speak about the issue. Minus the details, we were discharged together that evening. Big burly understood that mama bear wasn't having it.
Days are rough sometimes, and I know this is all a work in progress. I just have to slow down sometimes and just enjoy the hoots. I know one day those hoots are going to be replaced with vocabulary, and I'm just not ready for that stage yet!
I love this, and I love you. You are one of the strongest women i know hands down! you have already gone through so much with little Keat, and in my opinion you have shined and come through the mud smiling and positive. I am so happy you started this blog and look forward to many more updates soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for speaking to the realities of motherhood. Before getting pregnant, I expected pregnancy and motherhood to be tough, but a constant joy. The stories I had heard/read made it harder for me to deal with my very different reality of constantly being sick. (I'll spare you the details - but let's say that pregnancy for me has been a 9-month trip through the world of bulimia symptoms. I'll be lucky to gain a total of 8 pounds before delivery.) I wondered why I wasn't enjoying it more and why I didn't feel enough of a connection with the pea-sized/elephant-looking being inside of me. But the more I talked to friends about their realities, I learned that I am not alone in my insecurities and discomfort. Why aren't these realities in the books? Thanks for speaking to them. This level of honesty about the poop that comes with the smiles (and the promise that the smiles outweigh the poop) is so valuable.
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